Episode 9 - The Heights

Breakfast banter ALWAYS A GOOD SIGN

Kirsten is looking GOOD in the kitchen in her morning casual attire

Will: I never thought I'd live to see the day I hated Sandy, but I hate him in this scene

OJ/NERVOUS parallel cut! Brilliant!

Bitchy Will Comment: That's what Summer is wearing on the first day of school? That's a big mistake.

"DIFFERENT" parallel cut! Groundbreaking!

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!

Ryan is kickin' it to Marissa HARD

Kirsten is giving Sandy a VERY loving goodbye before he goes off to work

Gabe: Man, Summer's outfit is really working for me

Will: What, her perky ta-tas?

Anna is back! And sassy as ever!

WE TOOK A BREAK TO LOOK UP BONNIE SOMMERVILLE (THE ACTRESS WHO PLAYS RACHEL) ON IMDB!!!! THEN WE LOOKED UP ADAM BRODY ON IMDB!!!!

Bitchy Gabe Comment: It's kind of a miracle that they make Mischa Barton look good at all in this show.

Jimmy Cooper to Luke: "Hey, I got a question for you: What's a daughter? And how do you trick it into operating an oven?"

The soccer coach should have been played by Kyle Gass.

Luke to Marissa: "I'm sorry about what happened, but it was down Mexico way! And the look on your face was hilarious."

Martain: (Belch) I am so full of beer.

Gabe: What?

Martain: I am so full of beer.

SANFORD!

Bonnie Somerville is a beautiful and talented woman.

Luke: The last time I cried like that was when Macaulay Culkin died at the end of My Girl.

Marissa: You pussy.

All the Cohens are mad at one another.

Sandy: You're gonna run into spoiled little rich kids whose ass youre gonna want to kick.

Will: Every moment of every day we make decisions whether to murder someone or to not murder them. And if you do murder somebody, you have to murder them...

Gabe: Down Mexico way!

Will: The point is I murdered somebody and I need your help carrying the body out and hiding it.

Martain is sexting... get it together Martain

Ferris wheel love!

Ferris Wheel Love lyrics:

Oh boy
I don't like heights
Whoa!
Uhhhhh
Wha-wha-wha-why?

Oh shit Seth and Anna are MAKING IT OUT!!!!!
and Seth thinks its all part of a stupid plan to get Summer... what an idiot

Seth to Anna: Here's a sock monkey from Paul Smith. It gave me rickets.

RYAN AND MARISSA FIRST KISSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ON THE FERRIS WHEEL NO HOMO BUT THIS SHIT IS ROMANTIC

Ep rating:

Overall rating:

Gabe: 9.5 out of 10 bagels

Martin: 9.2 out of 10 bagels (because Anna is back)

Will: 9.0 bagels

Luke rating:

8.9 8/7ths out of 10 Lukes (lays it all out on the line, cried during My Girl, got bro-tackled by Ryan)

Episode 8 - The Rescue

We're going to pre-rate this episode before we've seen it, based on the title of the episode, the "previously on" montage, and the first 3 seconds.

Will: 9.1 out of 10, exciting title, action-packed "previously on," and a smoldering opening shot of Ryan staring at the floor.

Gabe: 9.4 out of 10

Martain: 8.6

PIZZA BREAK!!!!!

Ep rating:

Overall rating:

Gabe: 9.4 out of 10 bagels

Martin: 9.4 out of 10 bagels

Will: 9.4 bagels

(ECHO ALERT!)

Luke rating:

4 out of 10 Lukes (hollered at marissa from the hospital hallway and showed them a decent shortcut but otherwise come on man, bring your A game)

Episode 7 - The Escape

Seth is trying to convince Ryan to sneak away to Tijuana. UH OH!

Epsiode guest-directed by Alfonso Cuaron

Sandy's got a job interview at a BIG CORPORATE-TYPE LAW-FIRM!!!

Martin: Now THIS is the breakfast banter I live for on this show

Will: This show makes me way too happy

Summer: It is WAY better the second time (talking about sex)

Martin: Mm, I like that talk

Will: Jimmy's lookin' good

Jimmy to Marissa and Summer: Bye girls! There's some duct tape in the garage if you want to cover your stomachs!

Martain: You know what I don't want to see? Kirsten without makeup.

Will: I don't want to see Summer without makeup.

Martin: That's great. A coupla professional comedians over here. Martain. (Sigh of disgust)

Marissa calls Tijuana "TJ"

Bitchy Martin Comment: Ugh, Luke looks like he shaved his chest about two weeks ago. Not a good look.

Luke. Is. The. Best.

Sandy is meeting the hot young lawyer at Partridge, Savage and Caan, Rachel. Trouble's a brewin'.

Jimmie Cooper to Marissa: You're not leaving for the weekend? You want to stay with me? But sweetie, I'm just going to sexually molest you if you stay with me. Don't get me wrong, I want to do that. But...you know....finances.

DEATH CAB INSULT ALERT!!!!! (How dare you, Summer?)

Sandy to Kirsten: Hey, what happened to you? You threw your panties in the backyard and finger-banged yourself?

Martain: This is a good look for Kirsten. She's all pushed-up.

Gabe: Look at Sandy's beautiful blue eyes. Look at them!

Martain (as Ryan): "You know what I like about vending machines? Nothing!"

Will (during the Ryan/Summer motel scene): Mmm. This is good. I like this.

Martin (to Ryan after Marissa gets bad news from her dad): Just give her a hug right now. That's what she needs.

Will (to Ryan after Marissa gets bad news from her dad): Ryan could be hooking up with her so easily right now

Bitchy Martin Comment: Look at Seth. He's looking like your classic 2003 trucker-hat douche bag.

Is Sandy really going into corporate law? What about your ideals Sandy?

Cut to Tate Donovan's new swinging bachelor pad.

Tate: Ever think what it would be like if we'd ended up?

Cut to TJ!

Luke is taking shots with his bros!

Seth: I love authentic Mexican culture.

Holly: Oh please, he hooks up with everyone! Girls from UCI! Freshman girls!

Gabe: Indian girls! Girls from Lost. Penny from Lost. Said from Lost. Karl Marx. The marx brothers.

Gabe: Kirsten is straight merlot-in'

Martin: Oh mischa barton. drinking alone in the sleaziest bar in TJ? You might as well just be wearing a sandwich board that says "rape me."

Will: but one of those guys is Vicente Fox, right?

Gabe: this episode was shot in suburban chicago.

Will: at 10:30 in the morning.

Heavy duty stuff here. Marissa is passed out in an alley way, but Ryan picks her up. She is saved.

Ep rating:

Overall rating:

Gabe: 8.4 out of 10 bagels

Martin: 8.1 out of 10 bagels

Will: 7.8 bagels

Luke rating:

7.6666666667 Lukes out of 10

Episode 6 - The Girlfriend

It's 2010 and Sandy Cohen is STILL RELEVANT

Will: Man, I'd fuck that mom

Martin: It's the dude from Lost!

Caleb is wearing mom jeans

Caleb (to Ryan): You burned down my house...! And I fuckin' love you for it

Everyone: Hachi Machi! (when Caleb's hot girlfriend gets out of the pool)

Will (as Caleb's hot girlfriend): I'm Gabrielle... Garcia Marquez

Flash Poll: How nice is Caleb's girlfriend's tuchus?

Will: Grade A... actually, Grade B+
Martin: Her tuchus is clearly very bored, but I'd give it an A-
Gabe: Look, it's a great tuchus. Let's leave it at that

Mischa Barton directed this episode

Luke seems to be starting a pooka shell business

They've rushed Caitlin off the show

JULIE COOPER WANTS A DIVORCE! JULIEEEE COOPAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Martin: These actors must have to shave after every scene to stay young-looking.

Bitchy Martin Comment: Ugh, Kirsten always looks so severe. She looks like she's on the verge of scratching Sandy's face.

Ryan and Caleb's girlfriend are enjoying a delectable lemon-slice appetizer.

We have discovered that most of the dramatic pauses on The O.C. are created by actors forgetting their lines.

Seth and summer peeling off of the group hang!

Mischa barton: I know about the party, I'm Seth's grandmother.

Will: I'm immortal.

Will, about Summer: I think she's the least attractive person on the show.

Gabe: You think Summer is less attractive than Sandy?

Will: Yeah.

Gabe: Me too.

Will: She's like a cave man woman.

Sandy: Summer? Summer's hot.

Will as Sandy: I want to guide my trolly into her puss station?

Sandy: Let me just finish this goblet of lemonade.

Caleb: Kristen, I thought you could pour this grappa on my erect cock?

Caleb is gettin upset at Sandy. Says he's still "smoking the weed." He's angry that Ryan burned down his house.

Caleb: We are talking about Penny from Lost right? Now, Grappa, cock. Avoid urethra.

Gabrielle Garcia Marquez is really ready for business time with these guys.

Gabrielle to Ryan: has anyone ever poured grappa on your cock?

Caleb from the ventilation system: Gabrielle, come here! I'm in the ventilation system.

Classic overhead shot after commercial break of Ryan and Seth floating in the pool. SEMINAL.

Yes, what ABOUT Marissa?

Gabe: She couldn't pour miller lite on a ham!

Bitchy Will comment on Sandy's shirt: Bad choice of shirt.

Martin: and yet he still looks so good!

Caleb walks into party, sees James Spader. (not really) (or really?)

Martin: Luke is being brought into the fold. The bully is being humanized. I think that's one of the best decisions this show made.

Gabe: Everybody Jimmy Coopahs in town!

CALEB NICHOL OWNS THIS COMMUNITY

Summer is looking to score with a rich man.

Will: Summer is making Mischa Barton look like Meryl Streep here.

Time for a little pool house rendezvous with Gabrielle!

Gabe: she head butts Ryan and steals his wallet.

Martin: this woman is definitely a bag of disease.

Uh oh Mischa barton walked in an forgot her lines! DRAMA. NOw she is searching frantically for Luke so she can lose her virginity.

summer just kissed seth because he remembered a poem she wrote in 6th grade! But now she is going to chase an investment banker.

Will: she came off as slightly attractive in the past 15 minutes.

Gabe: Lot more where that came from.

Oh no, Luke and Marissa are going at it. But she seems sullen and confused.

Luke: Do you...? Are you...? Be you.

(Mischa Barton directed this episode)

Luke is going to get a jimmy hat.

Gabe: Would have been a bad idea to call it a Jimmy hat though. Because her dad's name is Jimmy!

And here's Ryan.

Mischa: You're too late. I'm pregnant. He put it everywhere.

Ok, time for the bagel scale rating.

Ep rating:

Overall rating:

Gabe: 6.4 out of 10 bagels

Martin: 6 out of 10 bagels

Will: 5.8 bagels

Luke rating:

10 out of 10 Lukes (reborn as a nice guy AND sleeps with Marissa... Beach house brawler to tender romantonio)

Episode 5: "Life Is What You Make It"

SPOON soundtrack!

Gabe: They had some really good music on this show.

Will laughs.

Gabe: (defensively) They did! They had some really good...music...TV guys.

Martin: I feel like for the first time, the premises are all established and they're free to just RIFF.

FLASH POLL: Can Seth pull off the tank top?

Martin's Answer: What kind of tank top?

Gabe's Answer: No.

Martin's Second Answer: Are we talking wife beater, or what?

Will's Answer: Yeah. Maybe.

Martin's Third Answer: Physically, yes. But his character, I think, no.

Will and gabe: Yeah marissa! (she's on the beach in bikini)

Gabe farts.

Will: You're a guest in my house!

Gabe: I wouldn't do it in my house. Just smoosh your tits together!

Martin: Uh-oh, Ryan has met the rough and tumble waiter at the lobster shop. He's a bad influence.

Newport: Where things only appear to be casual.

Will: In this episode, the role of Marissa will be played by Brendan Fraser.

Sandy: Murder was the case that they gave me!

Jimmy: Sandy, that doesn't make any sense.

FLASH POLL: How hot is Julie Cooper right now?

Will's Response: Who's Julie Cooper?

Martin's Reponse: Her.

Will's Reponse: Her?

Martin's Reponse: She hasn't really caught fire yet.

Gabe's Response: 4. (Presumably on some sort of numbered scale, although one had not been decided on yet.)

MOTORCYCLE AND HIP HOP PARTY!!!!

Choice of "Let's Get It Started" by The Black-Eyed Peas for the wrong-side-of-the-tracks party not entirely convincing.

Martin: Oh, Kirsten, so sinewy!

Jimmy: I'll tell you... One good swing, and I love... this game!

Jimmy's telling Sandy how it is

Bitchy Will Comment: [Sandy's] hair is a little less greasy this episode!

Some slut to Luke: Um, excuse me? I got sand in my pussy. Can you fuck it out? (Martin)

Will: (From the kitchen) Anyone need anything?

Gabe: I could go for a panini.

Will: (dead serious) Did they kiss yet? (During the scene when Ryan and Marissa are drying off from their swim.)

Gabe: (dead serious) No, they haven't kissed yet.

Bitchy Gabe Comment: God, Julie, do you ever not wear sweatsuits?

Gabe: "Oops, I spilled beer all over..." Never mind, I'm not going to say it. (While Kirsten is drinking a beer.)

Will: Were you going to say "pussy"?

Gabe: No, I was going to say "MILF tits." I feel like live-blogging needs to be a safe place.

Martin: Yeah, but we shouldn't sensor ourselves.

Ep rating: 

Overall rating: 

Gabe: 8.2 out of 10 bagels

Martin: 8.1 out of 10 bagels

Will: 8.0 bagels

Luke rating:

10 out of 10 Lukes (dude got shot, give the man a break people)

Episode 4 - The Debut

There are some seriously negative vibes between Sandy and Jimmy this episode. And Sandy does NOT like negative vibes.

Martin: Oh, we're really in laid back mode now. This is good.

Martin: Look at those guns! (about Ryan)

Hey is for horses. And Kirsten.

Sandy: How much money did you lose?

Jimmy: It's not important.

Sandy: How did you lose it?

Jimmy: Look Sandy, the important thing is that I don't know what money is and I need YOU to teach me.

Bitchy Gabe Comment: Ugh, Seth, that is NOT a good look.

Everyone: Oh, I love her. (When Anna first appears.)

Bitchy Will Comment: God, they're both wearing so much makeup, it's fucking ridiculous. (When Ryan and Anna are dancing.)

Martin: Everyone's with the wrong person....(While watching the delicate social and romantic interplay of The O.C.)

Gabe: You guys know Mischa Barton is English? Kind of gives you a little more respect for her, right? ....A little.

BARBEQUTIONIST!

Gabe: No, it's Burgerqutionist!

Will: It's Barbequtionist. You're an idiot.

Gabe: "Honey, I need to borrow your young, tight pussy." - Julie to Marissa

Anna is going OFF on some graphic novel shit.

Will: She is a gift to us nerds.

Why did Marissa and Luke break up WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? 

Martin: This isn't our finest llove blog.... (Case in point)

Martin: At least I'm wearing a crown (Martin found a crown and put it on)

Martin: Marissa's got a coupla pokeys there! (Sees that Gabe is writing what he is saying down) Don't write that down!

We all agree that at this juncture Anna is sexier than Summer. Get it together, Summer.

This Cotillion is so real.

Jimmy: I love you, kiddo. (to Marissa)

Us: We love you, Jimmy (to Marissa)

Marissa: I love you, fellas (to Us)

Will: Martin, show some respect! It's the FUCKIN cotillion! It's once a year! (when martin doesn't clap at the end of cotillion)

Martin: Oh man, this is about to erupt into some bullshit.

Oh boy the jig is up for Jimmy.

Homeboy just punched Jimmy AND Sandy

Martin: Hachi Machi (to Ryan? I'm not really sure)

Will: Gabe, why are you looking up David Gray on Google?

Gabe: Shhhhh.

Martin: You gotta kind of feel bad for Marissa. She doesn't have any flesh to keep her warm, her emotions are kind of crazy... she's fucked.

Martin: Ziggy clig dig biggy dig dig rig

Ep rating: 

Overall rating: 

Gabe: 7.6 out of 10 bagels

Martin: 8.3 out of 10 bagels

Will: 9.2 bagels

Luke rating:

8.5 out of 10 Lukes (almost cries, looks like caveman at end)

Episode 3 - The Gamble

Ryan is back in juvie and hoo boy is he getting treated like a pretty little piece of meat.

Will: Oh my GOD! Fuckin' unbelievable! (apropos of nothing)

Martin: Ziggy Tig Lig Riggy Clig Lig (laughter)

SEMINAL MOMENT: First light-hearted morning kitchen banter with insane food spreads (who sets up all this food?)

Martin: Can you imagine being a grown man and having that [Sandy's hair] be your haircut?

Martin-Gabe Side Conversation: Martin- "So is Veronica Mars really good?" Gabe- "Yeah, it's really good."

Bitchy Gabe Comment: "God, Seth's attire is just 110% Urban Outfitters."

Bitchy/Horny Gabe Comment: "God, Summer's been wearing very little clothing the last two episodes. Oh, those tits."

Bitchy Martin Comment: "Oh, [Marissa's] tits look TERRIBLE"

Bitchy Will Comment: "Oh, Kirsten honey. Let's you and me go to the salon and get those split ends taken care of"

Bitchy Will Comment: "I didn't say that!"

PRISON FIGHT!!!!!

Will: I can't keep jerking off kids! (Sandy to Kirsten)

Martin: As you can see, this choker hugs my Adam's Apple nicely.

Martin has aptly pointed out that Ryan has added the "rock 'n' roll cuff" accessory to his chic bad boy look.

Martin: Oh, this oughta be good, this oughta be--oh, I thought he was gonna suck in the helium. (During the scene where Seth inflates balloons at Casino Night.)

Will: What's this called? A gambling party? (During the Casino Night scene.)

Will: "Hey, you guys mind if I grease my hair with this muffin?" -Sandy

Will: The problem with the live-blogging is that I get too into the show to live-blog.

Martin: Don't get me wrong, but I think we might be going a little too hard with the live-blogging.

Gabe: Or not hard enough.

Martin: You're right.

Gabe: Will, live-blog this exchange.

Bitchy Martin Comment: "Ugh, [Dawn's] makeup. She looks like a clown."

Jinx! Gabe and Will simultaneously made a joke about Peter Gallagher masturbating outside while Ryan and Dawn were having an emotional exchange.

Bitchy Martin Comment: God, Luke WOULD be playing the slots. (During the Casino Night scene.)

Gabe: Will, get your camera.

Will: No.

Gabe: C'mon, get your camera.

Will: In a little bit.

Bitchy Martin Comment: Ugh, clown woman is getting her drank on.

Bitchy Martin Comment: Ugh, the lower class. With their clown makeup. And their tripping. (When Dawn falls down.)

Editing inconsistency: Clown woman instantly wearing sun glasses.

clown woman: I'm a mess. Not a mother. 

Will as clown woman: Have you seen the way your husband looks at me?

Ryan to Kirsten: I need some new wife beaters and chokers!

Hot bagel! Hot bread! Get your hot bagel while it's hot!

Ep rating: 

Overall rating: 

Gabe: 9 out of 10 bagels

Martin: 7.7 out of 10 bagels (Martin: I just hate clown woman)

Will: 8.2 bagels

Luke rating:

3 out of 10 Lukes (Come on Luke, you're better than this)