Episode 9 - The Heights

Breakfast banter ALWAYS A GOOD SIGN

Kirsten is looking GOOD in the kitchen in her morning casual attire

Will: I never thought I'd live to see the day I hated Sandy, but I hate him in this scene

OJ/NERVOUS parallel cut! Brilliant!

Bitchy Will Comment: That's what Summer is wearing on the first day of school? That's a big mistake.

"DIFFERENT" parallel cut! Groundbreaking!

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!

Ryan is kickin' it to Marissa HARD

Kirsten is giving Sandy a VERY loving goodbye before he goes off to work

Gabe: Man, Summer's outfit is really working for me

Will: What, her perky ta-tas?

Anna is back! And sassy as ever!

WE TOOK A BREAK TO LOOK UP BONNIE SOMMERVILLE (THE ACTRESS WHO PLAYS RACHEL) ON IMDB!!!! THEN WE LOOKED UP ADAM BRODY ON IMDB!!!!

Bitchy Gabe Comment: It's kind of a miracle that they make Mischa Barton look good at all in this show.

Jimmy Cooper to Luke: "Hey, I got a question for you: What's a daughter? And how do you trick it into operating an oven?"

The soccer coach should have been played by Kyle Gass.

Luke to Marissa: "I'm sorry about what happened, but it was down Mexico way! And the look on your face was hilarious."

Martain: (Belch) I am so full of beer.

Gabe: What?

Martain: I am so full of beer.

SANFORD!

Bonnie Somerville is a beautiful and talented woman.

Luke: The last time I cried like that was when Macaulay Culkin died at the end of My Girl.

Marissa: You pussy.

All the Cohens are mad at one another.

Sandy: You're gonna run into spoiled little rich kids whose ass youre gonna want to kick.

Will: Every moment of every day we make decisions whether to murder someone or to not murder them. And if you do murder somebody, you have to murder them...

Gabe: Down Mexico way!

Will: The point is I murdered somebody and I need your help carrying the body out and hiding it.

Martain is sexting... get it together Martain

Ferris wheel love!

Ferris Wheel Love lyrics:

Oh boy
I don't like heights
Whoa!
Uhhhhh
Wha-wha-wha-why?

Oh shit Seth and Anna are MAKING IT OUT!!!!!
and Seth thinks its all part of a stupid plan to get Summer... what an idiot

Seth to Anna: Here's a sock monkey from Paul Smith. It gave me rickets.

RYAN AND MARISSA FIRST KISSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ON THE FERRIS WHEEL NO HOMO BUT THIS SHIT IS ROMANTIC

Ep rating:

Overall rating:

Gabe: 9.5 out of 10 bagels

Martin: 9.2 out of 10 bagels (because Anna is back)

Will: 9.0 bagels

Luke rating:

8.9 8/7ths out of 10 Lukes (lays it all out on the line, cried during My Girl, got bro-tackled by Ryan)

Episode 8 - The Rescue

We're going to pre-rate this episode before we've seen it, based on the title of the episode, the "previously on" montage, and the first 3 seconds.

Will: 9.1 out of 10, exciting title, action-packed "previously on," and a smoldering opening shot of Ryan staring at the floor.

Gabe: 9.4 out of 10

Martain: 8.6

PIZZA BREAK!!!!!

Ep rating:

Overall rating:

Gabe: 9.4 out of 10 bagels

Martin: 9.4 out of 10 bagels

Will: 9.4 bagels

(ECHO ALERT!)

Luke rating:

4 out of 10 Lukes (hollered at marissa from the hospital hallway and showed them a decent shortcut but otherwise come on man, bring your A game)

Episode 7 - The Escape

Seth is trying to convince Ryan to sneak away to Tijuana. UH OH!

Epsiode guest-directed by Alfonso Cuaron

Sandy's got a job interview at a BIG CORPORATE-TYPE LAW-FIRM!!!

Martin: Now THIS is the breakfast banter I live for on this show

Will: This show makes me way too happy

Summer: It is WAY better the second time (talking about sex)

Martin: Mm, I like that talk

Will: Jimmy's lookin' good

Jimmy to Marissa and Summer: Bye girls! There's some duct tape in the garage if you want to cover your stomachs!

Martain: You know what I don't want to see? Kirsten without makeup.

Will: I don't want to see Summer without makeup.

Martin: That's great. A coupla professional comedians over here. Martain. (Sigh of disgust)

Marissa calls Tijuana "TJ"

Bitchy Martin Comment: Ugh, Luke looks like he shaved his chest about two weeks ago. Not a good look.

Luke. Is. The. Best.

Sandy is meeting the hot young lawyer at Partridge, Savage and Caan, Rachel. Trouble's a brewin'.

Jimmie Cooper to Marissa: You're not leaving for the weekend? You want to stay with me? But sweetie, I'm just going to sexually molest you if you stay with me. Don't get me wrong, I want to do that. But...you know....finances.

DEATH CAB INSULT ALERT!!!!! (How dare you, Summer?)

Sandy to Kirsten: Hey, what happened to you? You threw your panties in the backyard and finger-banged yourself?

Martain: This is a good look for Kirsten. She's all pushed-up.

Gabe: Look at Sandy's beautiful blue eyes. Look at them!

Martain (as Ryan): "You know what I like about vending machines? Nothing!"

Will (during the Ryan/Summer motel scene): Mmm. This is good. I like this.

Martin (to Ryan after Marissa gets bad news from her dad): Just give her a hug right now. That's what she needs.

Will (to Ryan after Marissa gets bad news from her dad): Ryan could be hooking up with her so easily right now

Bitchy Martin Comment: Look at Seth. He's looking like your classic 2003 trucker-hat douche bag.

Is Sandy really going into corporate law? What about your ideals Sandy?

Cut to Tate Donovan's new swinging bachelor pad.

Tate: Ever think what it would be like if we'd ended up?

Cut to TJ!

Luke is taking shots with his bros!

Seth: I love authentic Mexican culture.

Holly: Oh please, he hooks up with everyone! Girls from UCI! Freshman girls!

Gabe: Indian girls! Girls from Lost. Penny from Lost. Said from Lost. Karl Marx. The marx brothers.

Gabe: Kirsten is straight merlot-in'

Martin: Oh mischa barton. drinking alone in the sleaziest bar in TJ? You might as well just be wearing a sandwich board that says "rape me."

Will: but one of those guys is Vicente Fox, right?

Gabe: this episode was shot in suburban chicago.

Will: at 10:30 in the morning.

Heavy duty stuff here. Marissa is passed out in an alley way, but Ryan picks her up. She is saved.

Ep rating:

Overall rating:

Gabe: 8.4 out of 10 bagels

Martin: 8.1 out of 10 bagels

Will: 7.8 bagels

Luke rating:

7.6666666667 Lukes out of 10

Episode 6 - The Girlfriend

It's 2010 and Sandy Cohen is STILL RELEVANT

Will: Man, I'd fuck that mom

Martin: It's the dude from Lost!

Caleb is wearing mom jeans

Caleb (to Ryan): You burned down my house...! And I fuckin' love you for it

Everyone: Hachi Machi! (when Caleb's hot girlfriend gets out of the pool)

Will (as Caleb's hot girlfriend): I'm Gabrielle... Garcia Marquez

Flash Poll: How nice is Caleb's girlfriend's tuchus?

Will: Grade A... actually, Grade B+
Martin: Her tuchus is clearly very bored, but I'd give it an A-
Gabe: Look, it's a great tuchus. Let's leave it at that

Mischa Barton directed this episode

Luke seems to be starting a pooka shell business

They've rushed Caitlin off the show

JULIE COOPER WANTS A DIVORCE! JULIEEEE COOPAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Martin: These actors must have to shave after every scene to stay young-looking.

Bitchy Martin Comment: Ugh, Kirsten always looks so severe. She looks like she's on the verge of scratching Sandy's face.

Ryan and Caleb's girlfriend are enjoying a delectable lemon-slice appetizer.

We have discovered that most of the dramatic pauses on The O.C. are created by actors forgetting their lines.

Seth and summer peeling off of the group hang!

Mischa barton: I know about the party, I'm Seth's grandmother.

Will: I'm immortal.

Will, about Summer: I think she's the least attractive person on the show.

Gabe: You think Summer is less attractive than Sandy?

Will: Yeah.

Gabe: Me too.

Will: She's like a cave man woman.

Sandy: Summer? Summer's hot.

Will as Sandy: I want to guide my trolly into her puss station?

Sandy: Let me just finish this goblet of lemonade.

Caleb: Kristen, I thought you could pour this grappa on my erect cock?

Caleb is gettin upset at Sandy. Says he's still "smoking the weed." He's angry that Ryan burned down his house.

Caleb: We are talking about Penny from Lost right? Now, Grappa, cock. Avoid urethra.

Gabrielle Garcia Marquez is really ready for business time with these guys.

Gabrielle to Ryan: has anyone ever poured grappa on your cock?

Caleb from the ventilation system: Gabrielle, come here! I'm in the ventilation system.

Classic overhead shot after commercial break of Ryan and Seth floating in the pool. SEMINAL.

Yes, what ABOUT Marissa?

Gabe: She couldn't pour miller lite on a ham!

Bitchy Will comment on Sandy's shirt: Bad choice of shirt.

Martin: and yet he still looks so good!

Caleb walks into party, sees James Spader. (not really) (or really?)

Martin: Luke is being brought into the fold. The bully is being humanized. I think that's one of the best decisions this show made.

Gabe: Everybody Jimmy Coopahs in town!

CALEB NICHOL OWNS THIS COMMUNITY

Summer is looking to score with a rich man.

Will: Summer is making Mischa Barton look like Meryl Streep here.

Time for a little pool house rendezvous with Gabrielle!

Gabe: she head butts Ryan and steals his wallet.

Martin: this woman is definitely a bag of disease.

Uh oh Mischa barton walked in an forgot her lines! DRAMA. NOw she is searching frantically for Luke so she can lose her virginity.

summer just kissed seth because he remembered a poem she wrote in 6th grade! But now she is going to chase an investment banker.

Will: she came off as slightly attractive in the past 15 minutes.

Gabe: Lot more where that came from.

Oh no, Luke and Marissa are going at it. But she seems sullen and confused.

Luke: Do you...? Are you...? Be you.

(Mischa Barton directed this episode)

Luke is going to get a jimmy hat.

Gabe: Would have been a bad idea to call it a Jimmy hat though. Because her dad's name is Jimmy!

And here's Ryan.

Mischa: You're too late. I'm pregnant. He put it everywhere.

Ok, time for the bagel scale rating.

Ep rating:

Overall rating:

Gabe: 6.4 out of 10 bagels

Martin: 6 out of 10 bagels

Will: 5.8 bagels

Luke rating:

10 out of 10 Lukes (reborn as a nice guy AND sleeps with Marissa... Beach house brawler to tender romantonio)